I am bursting with praise to our Lord, Jesus this evening!
It was right around this time in the year 2014 when I turned to Jesus because my life was in shambles and I was considering ending my life. He has done wonderful things in healing what I now understand to be the effects of CPTSD. I’ve had a breakthrough recently, and all those little triumphs and failings over the years made this possible–all by the working of Jesus.
I don’t claim to be “recovered” but in “remission.” As with sin of all sorts, and CPTSD leads to much sin, it’s a lifelong battle that at times feels oh so overwhelming and impossible to overcome.
The enemy is quick to pursue: the enemy of your own relentless inner critic; the enemy of retraumatizing yourself through unhealthy relationships or over isolation; the enemy of addictions and other forms of destructive self medication; the enemy of not knowing who you really are because you people please to a fault; the enemy of being overly controlling of others; the enemies of anger, resentment, and fear; the enemy of fawning to oppression instead of standing your ground; the enemy of not knowing how to set and respect healthy boundaries in relationships; the enemy of passing your trauma onto your kids; the enemy of black-and-white thinking; the enemy of letting your life pass you by because you feel unworthy to pursue meaning; the enemy of living in a pseudo reality because present life is too painful.
There are many enemies for those with CPTSD — and Jesus can conquer them all, bit by bit, and we work with Him in this process. What results is a life, once wrought with enemies without and within, now under the authority of the God of the universe!
Will there be regressions and emotional flashbacks to come? Most certainly, but they will continue to shrink and Jesus will continue to grow. I know that recovery is ups and downs and many plateaus and regressions. I also know that this life has more trying in store, but the more Jesus overcomes the bolder we become because we know that He is on our side and He cannot lose!
Today, all this makes me think of a song from Exodus 15, so I want to share the lyrics (scripture) and the song with you. Think of Pharoah and his riders in terms of the challenges of sin or whatever your trauma might be. It feels like the enemy is always on your heels saying, “I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.“
Yet, we know…
“Death is swallowed up in victory!”
15 Then sang Moses and the children of Israel this song unto the Lord, and spake, saying, I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.
2 The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
3 The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name.
4 Pharaoh’s chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea.
5 The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone.
6 Thy right hand, O Lord, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O Lord, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.
7 And in the greatness of thine excellency thou hast overthrown them that rose up against thee: thou sentest forth thy wrath, which consumed them as stubble.
8 And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.
9 The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.
10 Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters.
11 Who is like unto thee, O Lord, among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?
12 Thou stretchedst out thy right hand, the earth swallowed them.
13 Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.
14 The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina.
15 Then the dukes of Edom shall be amazed; the mighty men of Moab, trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away.
16 Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.
17 Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O Lord, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O Lord, which thy hands have established.
18 The Lord shall reign for ever and ever.
19 For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.
20 And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances.
21 And Miriam answered them, Sing ye to the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously; the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.
22 So Moses brought Israel from the Red sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness, and found no water.
23 And when they came to Marah, they could not drink of the waters of Marah, for they were bitter: therefore the name of it was called Marah.
24 And the people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink?
25 And he cried unto the Lord; and the Lord shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, the waters were made sweet: there he made for them a statute and an ordinance, and there he proved them,
26 And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the Lord that healeth thee.
27 And they came to Elim, where were twelve wells of water, and threescore and ten palm trees: and they encamped there by the waters.