All In

I’ve spent my whole life chasing people that I’m never quite good enough for. This is going to be a cringe post but I don’t really care. I don’t think I should care anymore because all the time, care, and effort that goes into trying to be enough for people that are too good for me should be spent on the Lord.

I’ve wasted enough time. I spent six months handmaking Christmas gifts for people that did not appreciate it. Not even a thank you from about half of them. Probably a scoff behind closed doors because let’s face it. Who wants that these days?

I spent a week preparing my home for Christmas dinner trying to bring family together. Some made excuses for not coming. Those that did come were overheard talking with those that did not about their mutual plans together later that day. We aren’t good enough to be invited along, but those that did make it probably patted themselves on the back for gracing us with their presence.

I’m tired of always being the one to initiate conversations. I’m tired of always being the one to invite everyone to every event I host while being left out of their life and celebrations. I’m tired of doing for everyone all the time, even though my household is the poorest among them all. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m tired of people saying that God is not with me because I renounce the corruption of today’s churches. I’m tired of people saying that my family is “white trash” and that God is not for us because we are “poor.”

Never mind that I work seven days a week from home doing a job that requires a Bachelor’s Degree that I do not have, but God gave skill and opportunity enough for me to make it anyway. Never mind that I homeschool my kids and work hard to take care of them and put them in sports three days a week. Never mind that I’ve worked so hard with one son on the autism spectrum that people don’t even know that he has this problem anymore, when just a few short years ago he couldn’t even handle public school.

Never mind that the Lord saved me from death more than once, from infancy to a few years ago. Never mind that He sent me His Holy Spirit in power. Never mind that He has healed me and continues to work in me to do His will despite a life of trouble. Never mind that the Lord has given me understanding of His word, understanding of repentance needed within the church, and His desire for his faithful church. God’s grace did that. He did it all and no one can tell me that He is not for me. Though, I do not take it for granted. I owe Him. I do not owe them.

I might not be good enough for some, but that is okay. God sees. He sees how hard I try, but unfortunately He also sees how much time I waste chasing love that I will never get. He also sees how I expend time, energy, and emotional capacity that should be His on those who do not value it.

I’m just done. I just spent my 35th birthday alone for the most part and without acknowledgement. Not that my birthday matters to me all that much. I love to celebrate other people’s because life is worth celebrating, so I always make mention of it and do something special for them. That’s why it feels bad. It’s not about me or that I feel entitled; it’s just the fact that I always put myself out there for everyone and I wonder why.

Why do I waste the time? Why do I always chase people who cannot love me back? It might be me. I’ve wondered about that my whole life. I’ve always felt lesser than other people. Maybe they sense that so they treat me as lesser. Maybe I am lesser.

Yet, there are some who return the love and I’m learning to be content. It is better to have a few sincere folks than a hundred fakes. Sincere people appreciate the time and effort you put into doing good for them, even if all you have to offer is something simple. Sincere people see how hard you try, not how much you lack. Sincere people want to be with you because of who you are, not what you can offer them socially or in terms of some gain in this world.

Most importantly as I think about all of this, I keep going back to wasted time, energy, and focus that Jesus should get from me. I need to be all in for Him and stop caring about people that I will never be good enough for. He gave His all for me, and I like to think that I’m all in for Him.

Yet, I know that so long as I am chasing love in this world that is not for me, I am vulnerable to giving something of myself that is not mine to give away. I am also vulnerable to wanting acceptance in this world, and after 35 years of being an odd-ball, you’d think I had learned by now that this world is not for me. Not until Jesus returns and makes it His.

I look forward to His Kingdom. I will have a home there and I do have home here with the few who truly care. I am fortunate to have a few sincere people in my life who love me, my kids, and Jesus. One day all the sincere will be together with Him and what a wonderful day that will be.

I know there are a lot of people out there who feel lost and alone. Many people only care about worldly gain. They only care about ungodly entertainment, gossip, boosting each others egos, and making one another feel better than people who they esteem to be lesser.

When Jesus walked this earth, “he had no stature or appearance that we should delight in him. He was despised and rejected of men.” I do not think it would be one bit different today. If you relate, you are not alone. Let’s be all in with Jesus. Stop chasing the world. He died to save us from it, after-all.