The weather isn’t the only thing that’s been cold lately.
I feel cold too. Cold hearted. It’s fitting that we see unusually low temperatures in my neck of the woods right now. Maybe God’s cooling me off, because though I feel cold hearted, I also burn with a lot of rage. I’m so ashamed and afraid of it. I don’t understand what’s happening.
I never want to put on heirs, even online, as being some perfect Christian. So, I thought I will write about this. Maybe some judge me as a fake Christian because “the love of God is not in me.” Maybe some will relate and know they are not alone.
In any case, this is the reality of it. At least, as much as I can state while keeping discretion in mind.
I am so angry with so many things.
I am angry with fake repentance. I am angry with false promises and fake friends. I am angry with lies and those who take advantage of others as they sit idle and enjoy themselves while people suffer. I am angry with the apathy and fear of those who would take the path of least resistance all the way to the gates of hell.
I am angry that there is no where to go for real spiritual help and fellowship. No none to hold me accountable and encourage me to do better. Accusations and assumptions without compassion; traitors who took the pain I revealed to them and despitefully judged me for it, gossiped about me, then turned their backs. But not real admonition. That’s what you get for showing your real struggles with people. The body of Christ should not be so.
What really gets me is the lack of care or effort. The path of ease and shirking of responsibility reigns in the hearts of man, and I’m tired of treading uphill against them.
I have anger burning in me like never before. It scares me. It scares me because I know that the judgment of God is against us being angry with our brothers, and we should think of all as brothers in some capacity. I know that Jesus teaches that we should love all, even our enemies.
I value His wisdom in these things. Yet, I also have lived long enough in this world to know that many people in this world do not want love so that they can repent and grow. They want love so they can walk all over you. They do the same to Jesus. Will He continue to stand for it?
I was looking at the next Proverb that I am to write about, and I felt sick to my stomach. It states that the labor of the righteous brings life, but the fruit of the wicked is sin.
What if you’re just tired of laboring to bring forth righteous things because the sinful immediately eat it up, and as it passes through them, the fruit your suffered to bring forth is turned into crap?
I’m tired of walking in crap.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of working myself into severe exhaustion just to see the fruit of my labor eaten up by the wicked. Then I look at our country. I know all too well what is going to happen. I’ve lived it. If I’m so angry and tired of trying, what will the other Christians of the world do? Lord, I pray they are stronger than me.
This ball of rage in me is so strong, that I almost fear what would happen if I were to just let it roar out of me. It’s seeping out. Little bits here and there. Then I retreat and pray, hoping it will all go away.
Love your enemies.
Do good to them that hate you and despitefully use you.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake.
God will avenge us of our adversaries.
Great is your reward in heaven.
Those who are angry with their brother are in danger of the judgment…
Yet, I wonder how long will the Lord allow such things to continue, because surely, I am not the only one in this kind of position.
Jesus said, “because iniquity will abound, the love of many will grow cold, but he that shall endure until the end, the same shall be saved.”
How many Christians feel their love growing cold because there are none to warm them?
Then I think, shouldn’t the love of the Lord be enough? Shouldn’t I love Him enough!? What is wrong with me!?
God is in control of all things, and all of this is for a reason. I have life. I do not matter. He does. I can endure this for a while longer, right? Or will I lose sight of Him and let my fury devour me? Will I cry out to God to avenge, or should I ask that He be merciful and open the eyes of the blind and soften the hearts of the wicked, yet another time?
It’s hard to be patient. It’s hard to turn our gaze to Christ, whose eyes burn like fire, when we know that we have been full of darkness. It’s hard to trust in His mercy when we know that we are allowing this world to consume us and put our lights out. It’s hard when we bring shame to His Holy Name.
As long as we live, we can turn back. Refocus. Cry a few more tears and scream to the heavens. Beg for mercy for ourselves and others, because any good thing we have came from God.
We cannot let this world consume us. We cannot let this world make the love of God in us cold. We cannot let this world fill us with wrath, and though it is good to be angry with wickedness and to love righteousness, vengeance is God’s. He will repay, and it will not go well for them. It will go well for those who turn their hearts to God.
Just stating all of this make me feel a little better. Maybe enough to get by just a bit longer. As Jesus says, “sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.”
I need to focus on Him more and on the evils less, keep praying and see what He will do. Trust in whatever that means. All things are for the good of those who belong to Him. Maybe all of this suffering is blessing in disguise. One day I will see and know, if I am not beaten by my adversary. Jesus won’t allow that to happen. He won’t allow that to happen to you who trust in Him either.
I haven’t said this lately, but…
Keep going and trust in Jesus. ❤