Feeling Torn

As a Christian, I know that we should be “simplie concerning evil.” However, being “wise in well doing” does not always come so easy. I’m torn. It’s getting late in the day today–and maybe getting late in the day in another sense–in which time is running out–and I need to know what I should do.

Since it is getting late and I’m not finding rest because of my being torn, I thought it would be a good idea to do an impromptu writing about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I like showing my humanity and frailty. I like reminding myself and others that Jesus is Lord, and as Christians we all have access to Him. Man can lead us astray, and so can I.

I believe that the things I have written lately are true. However, truth is often multi-layered, and as mentioned, being “wise in well doing” can be complex. It is for me anyway. I overthink everything–sometimes to my own detriment. Yet, I trust in Jesus and I know that He is teaching me, and as a faithful servant, I should share what I am given with others. We all have things to contend with, things to gain, and things to share. Sometimes that includes our weakness.

Here’s where I am at.

I have fought long against anger issues. I have fought long against fear and unbelief. I have fought long against despair. I have fought long against resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. And for the first time in my life that I can remember, I feel like I’m getting a grip on these things. I feel like Jesus is freeing me. I’m learning more self-control. I’m learning more patience. I’m learning to trust in Jesus and to love people more fully.

I don’t mean to boast. It is the work of the Lord. I know this all too well.

However, I cannot help but feel torn because of this. I don’t know if I can explain.

On one hand, I feel like I am finally free. And in this, I strongly believe some of the greatest temptations of our time involve things like wrath, resentment, unforgiveness, fear, and unbelief. I strongly believe that we should be patient with the wicked, be good examples of Jesus to an unbelieving world, and with love and humility do our best to lead people to Jesus. He will sort them out.


Maybe I am at risk of going too extreme with this. Lord knows, I do that.

One of the things I have written is that those who can possess their vessels–meaning those who can control themselves when faced with temptations to behave unchristianly–should speak out against the evils of this time. Those who cannot maitain should get their own houses in order, otherwise, they are at risk of adding to the noise or otherwise making matters worse.

I think this is true.

So, having tasted more freedom and control, why don’t I want to speak out?

Am I still afraid? Not for myself. No, I don’t think so. There are people who have suffered much more than I have, but my life has had a continual stream of suffering. I’m kind of used to it, and part of me longs to see the Lord Jesus return.

It seems like so many people are overeager to see Jesus return, and they do not know what they are asking for. Before He comes, there is a time of great darkness–and things must happen to set that time off–and I’m not too eager for that either–not for my sake so much, but for the sake of those I love. What will happen to them? I need to trust yet even more.

Mostly, I am afraid of doing wrong. I am afraid of doing the will of Satan, all the while thinking that I am doing the will of God. It happens. We should not be so proud to think it could not happen to us. Yet, we should trust in Jesus too. Where is that balance?

Maybe Jesus gave some freedom so that I could do what needs to be done–and in a more effective way than I would have before. Will that lead to events that I’d rather not see come just yet? I don’t know. I do know that my life is in the hands of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and I know that He is compassionate.

We have many examples of how Jesus healed people He loved, or healed people who those He loved had loved because He did not want them to despair. How much more will He do for those who serve Him? He will care for those I love if I am faithful to do what He would have me to do. It’s still a very sorrowful thing. Suffering is unavoidable–not just for me, but for people I care a great deal about.

But, who knows? Maybe things will look up. Maybe if enough people do what is right, we can set things right and enjoy many more years of goodness and life in this world. But, if not, and I want to be prepared for that possibility, I know that we can trust in Jesus.

I’m not exactly sure what I am doing. I never really am. I’m always blinded to a degree in that regard, but I know what is at the end of my road. There is joy and victory. There is resurrection and there is Jesus Christ. There will be no more death, nor sorrow, nor pain. That is something to look forward to!

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