I’ve been reposting some of the old content from my previous website, and one of the things I used to do was write impromptu posts that discussed things I was dealing with at the time in my Christian walk. I haven’t done that here, and maybe I should.
In Tuesday’s article, I wondered about discussing the positive changes that Jesus has worked in my life, and I want to do some of that. However, I never want to create an illusion within my writing that makes me seem to be more upright than I am.
Even though I understand that any goodness I have is from Jesus and not me, I also have lingering sin issues that affect my life, and these issues are really weighing on me.
I have confessed my sin to God and to man—at least one or two people know all about my sin—but there are some things that I cannot publish—not for my sake so much as for the sake of others.
Though, I admit that this discretion is for my sake too and for this ministry’s sake because there are some who are actively trying to destroy me. These love to hear of any fault I have, and maybe it’s a thing of pride to say this, but I don’t want to give them any more satisfaction. I do expect to come clean with all things eventually, but I would prefer to overcome first, Lord willing.
Even so, I can speak in some general terms, though I realize that ambiguity is not as satisfying for those who read.
In any case, I’m feeling very low, unworthy, and ashamed. I also feel a little afraid.
There is one post on my former site that gets regular views entitled, “Rebellion is as Witchcraft and Stubbornness is as Idolatry.”
In this article, I made a declaration. I said that I would not stand for any sin within myself, because all sin is as idolatry and witchcraft. I’ve made similar declarations. I need to do what I said I would do, or I need to repent of what I have declared.
What if I’m like Ananias and Saphira, or like the sow who wallows in the mire or the dog that returns to his vomit? What if the Lord’s teachings are falling on my heart of stone, just to wither away when hard times come? What if the Lord’s teachings are falling on my heart that’s covered by thorns, just to be choked by the cares of this life and financial troubles?
I know I’ve progressed, and in my heart Jesus is Lord. He is first, though my sinful nature still gets the best of me. Then I wonder, why? I know His Spirit is still within me because I receive things from Him. So, why am I so powerless to stop these sins? Why can’t I perform that which I said I would do?
Or maybe the question is, why hasn’t Jesus freed me yet? Or did He? Maybe I’m not really laying hold of the power He has given me by His Spirit. Maybe I keep trying to overcome on my own. I know I have done that more-so lately. I prayed about these things for a while, then I gave up. I lost faith that Jesus would hear and help, so I have not sought Him like I should.
I know there are some who would get a kick out of this. Yes, I still sin. And yes, I still believe that I should not and I still believe that Jesus will make a way for me to escape—though I know I do not deserve it. I also notice that my heart is turning away from this faith. I’m beginning to feel defeated and wonder if a sinful life is even possible.
I deserve to fulfill all the wrong sides of the parables of Jesus. He has given me so much. I know He is faithful and He will perform all things He has promised—but I think I need to renew my seriousness in fighting these things—and not on my own, but with faith in Jesus.
He will hear, and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe tomorrow is the day of salvation. Or maybe the next day or the next. Maybe years from now, but I know that I can’t give up. I said things that I meant, and I cannot take these things back. I won’t. I don’t expect to be perfect in this life, but if I go down with lingering sin, I want to go down fighting it to the very end with faith in Jesus and His promises.
I can’t stand that I made declarations that I have not kept. I need to keep them.